Ours But To Do And Die
by be-nice-to-nerds
Summary: "She put Rose Quartz over everything. Over logic, over consequence, over her own life." Pearl and Rose, during the war.


**So this fic is set in the same continuity as my previous Pearl fic,** _ **Some Lost Defective Pearl**_ **, but you don't really need to read the other one for this to make sense. The same background gems turn up again, is all.**

* * *

The first time it happens, it is four battles into what will become a very long war. Pearl doesn't intend for it to happen; she's (somehow) made it through three battles unscathed, after all. But in the chaos of the battle she is distracted by a cry that sounds too much like Rose for comfort, and some gem catches her by surprise, and she feels an unfamiliar sensation as her projection retreats into her gem.

Time passes differently inside one's gem. After what is simultaneously a very long time and almost no time at all, Pearl feels what she has only felt once before in her life – her body reforming.

She awakens to a battlefield in the aftermath of a battle. Jade, looking greener than usual, is kneeling over a fallen citrine, screwing the lid back onto a container of Rose Quartz tears. Sapphire stands behind her. She holds another vial of tears in her hand and carries a satchel full of healed gems, still regenerating.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

Pearl takes a step forward, stumbles. Jade holds a hand out to steady her, which she shrugs off. She can do this on her own.

"Fine," she says.

"First time regenerating?" Jade says, sympathetically. "First few times are rough on everyone. It gets easier."

"Yes," Pearl says, and remembers never being sure if she even could regenerate, if the defect would even let her. Spending her life before Rose being so, so careful not to let herself get injured, because they'd needed every gem enough to let her live but there was no point wasting resources on a defect.

"Where's Rose?" she asks, as she finds her balance once more. "Is she safe? Uninjured?"

"She's fine," Sapphire says, and gestures in the direction of their camp. "She's tending to the wounded."

Pearl feels the tension that's been in her body ever since its regeneration relax. Rose is safe. That's all that matters.

The next battle they fight, she notices an opening on Rose's left flank at the same time an enemy amethyst does. There isn't time. There isn't time for anything but to throw herself in front of the pike, take the damage instead of Rose, give her enough time to notice and counter. She can regenerate. She might as well put the ability to good use.

Battle after battle, the pattern repeats.

Rose is safe, and that's all that matters.

"We can't keep taking this much damage each battle," Carnelian tells the assembled inner circle at their next strategy meeting. Pearl sits by Rose's side and listens. Occasionally she will speak up, but not often. The old crew, the ex-Kindergarten Project crowd, they like Pearl, respect her despite of what she is. Some of the new gems, not so much. So Pearl, who has never much liked large groups anyway, stays quiet at these meetings.

Carnelian continues. "We're winning, but for how much longer? They can just throw numbers at us, and how long until our army is gone?"

"Us scientists are almost done building the light canons," Jade offers. "More powerful weapons will give us an edge."

"That slows down the numbers problem," Carnelian says, "it doesn't defeat it. We need to destroy the galaxy warp."

"Unacceptable," Sapphire responds uncharacteristically quickly, almost snapping. "We'll have reinforcements through there soon."

"Yeah, and in the mean time _they're_ getting reinforced through there," Carnelian snaps back. "Your reinforcements had better be worth it."

"I trust in Sapphire's future sight." Rose has been quiet through this meeting, letting her seconds argue strategy, but now she speaks up. "Also, Carnelian, you know how well-defended the galaxy warp is. A two-sided pincer attack is our best strategy. Our reinforcements can destroy it behind them."

"If you say so, Rose," Carnelian says, clearly still not entirely convinced. "I still don't like it. Can we even hold out until those reinforcements get here? We still need a solution to the numbers problem."

"They'll get here soon," Rose says, and that is that.

In the time that passes before Sapphire's promised reinforcements show up the battles they fight get progressively tougher. The rebellion starts losing more fights than they win. Pearl retreats into her gem almost every battle, usually from a strike intended for Rose. Rose spends more and more battles with Pearl's gem nestled amidst the folds of her dress, cradling it protectively.

They fight about that, sometimes.

Pearl doesn't understand why. Rose is the leader of their rebellion, the figurehead. Their healer, the one that gives them strength. (She is all Pearl has, the only one who saw past the oval-shaped gem and gave her a chance.) If she falls, they all fall.

"But you're important, too," Rose argues. "I need you alive, Pearl."

"Not as important as you," Pearl tells her, yet again. "Why won't you understand, Rose? You are the head of this rebellion. No one can replace you."

"And no one can replace you!" Rose says, throwing her hands up in frustration.

Pearl flinches at the rapid motion – an old habit, and one only heightened by the constant fighting that is her life now. Why can't Rose just understand?

"Yes, they can," she says. "I'm just a pearl. They make us by the dozen."

"And none of them are you!"

"Yeah, they're not defective," Pearl says, the old bitterness back in her voice. She tries not to think like that anymore, tries so hard, for Rose and for herself, but it's hard, to unlearn centuries of being told she's lesser than the lesser.

"Oh, my Pearl," Rose says, and then two warm arms are around her.

Pearl presses herself into Rose, feels the other gem's softness envelop her, forgets for a moment that anything else exists apart from this feeling. Rose is the most wonderful gem in existence. Pearl will do anything to keep alive the gem who makes her feel like this, even if Rose doesn't like it.

Directly before the rebellion mounts the planned attack on the galaxy warp, Carnelian takes Pearl aside. She is one of the few gems Pearl considers a friend, linked through Rose back in their Kindergarten days.

"I need you to stay in one piece through this one," she says.

When Pearl opens her mouth to protest, Carnelian hushes her. "I need your holograms, Pearl. We're hitting the galaxy warp today. We need as many swords in as many hands as we can muster. If you're forced into your gem, I don't know if your holograms will still function."

They will function, Pearl knows, the instinctive knowledge coming from somewhere within her. Nevertheless, this time Rose puts up a bubble just before an enemy jasper's axe hits Pearl, and then the rest of their army is there, enveloping them, and Pearl makes it out of this battle alive.

She is, therefore, there to see, after the galaxy warp has been claimed, and the enemy scattered off, and the warp pads systematically destroyed, Sapphire's reinforcements. She is there to see an army of gems, led by a tiny ruby, make a triumphant entrance and cut at the enemy's back flank. She is there to see Sapphire go running into the ruby's arms, there to see the ruby spinning her around, there to see a new gem formed out of the light of two.

Around her gems are reacting in various ways to what they have just witnessed. Fusion, of all things! Pearl ignores them all. She looks at the new Sapphire-and-Ruby gem, introducing herself to Rose. Looks at Rose, radiant through her battle-weariness.

 _I want that_ , Pearl realises.

After the battle at the galaxy warp, the tides start turning. The rebellion has numbers, now, and spirits are bolstered by a major victory. Almost as importantly, destroying the galaxy warp has brought them the amount of time it takes to fly a ship all the way out from Homeworld to the Crystal Cluster.

Pearl retreats to her gem three times in as many battles, and Rose is there, once more, pleading with her to stop.

"Why won't you just let me do this for you, Rose?" Pearl snaps at her, after a particularly heated argument.

"Because that's not what I want," Rose snaps back.

"Then what do you want?"

"You alive," Rose says softly, and Pearl realises the other gem is crying. "I want you alive at the end of this war. I want you by my side after we've won, and I want to build a life with you on this planet. I want you to realise that you're more than what Homeworld says you are. I want you to see yourself how I see you. My Pearl."

Pearl has lost all of her frustration. All she feels is a strange sort of emptiness. Rose, she thinks, is a beautiful, wonderful, self-deluding gem. She talks as if Pearl is some sort of wonderful being, but that's not what she is at all. Still, Pearl does not know what to say, and so she says nothing. Maybe if Rose says things like that enough, Pearl will be able to make herself believe her.

Suddenly Rose smiles, wipes away her tears, and holds a hand out.

"Dance with me?" she asks.

Pearl takes her hand, bows, and the dance begins. They have danced together before, but not quite like this. This time, as Rose twirls her around, Pearl feels her gem heating up. Rose's gem is glowing, also.

"Do you-?"

"Yeah."

Pearl loses herself in the feel of the dance, in the movement, in Rose's motions in perfect sync. They dance together, and then –

\- and then Pearl is no longer Pearl, and Rose is no longer Rose, and they are Rainbow Quartz.

She'd always wondered how fusions knew who they were, if they had to go find a jadeite to tell them or if they'd instinctively know. Now she knows. She knows who she is, and it feels great. _Wow_ , she thinks. _Yeah. Wow._

Like this, she can understand why her component gems feel the way they do, can feel self-confidence on behalf of both of them. They are both wonderful gems, and she is made of them both – _more than them both, that's what Garnet said_ – and so she is a wonderful gem too. It's so simple.

This, Rainbow Quartz thinks, could be a solution to their problem. She can fight in battle like this, and then they can both protect each other. Neither of them has to get hurt. It's so simple.

But no, she realises. Rose Quartz is the figurehead and leader of their army. She needs to be clearly recognisable in battle. She can't be part of a fusion. Not when fusion is so controversial – another of the many Homeworld things they're rebelling against, but Rainbow recognises that her army is diverse, linked only by dislike for the diamond authority, not the reasoning behind said dislike. So she can't be a fusion, not in battle.

Rose definitely – oh, and it hurts Rainbow Quartz to recognise this, because both of her components are so wonderful – definitely can't be a leader as a fusion with a pearl, especially not one so clearly marked out as defective. It's just sound strategic truth. Rainbow Quartz is many things, and one of them is self-aware.

When Rose demonstrates fusion, the new strategy she wants everyone who is willing to try, to her army, it is not with Pearl. It is with Labradorite, a respectable soldier-class gem. It is better, that way.

It stings, anyway.

Pearl throws herself into the next battles with something that is almost spite. She can still be useful to Rose. She can be. She is only a defective Pearl, but she can play her part.

No one will miss her when she's gone.

(She knows that isn't really true.)

Her friends stage an intervention.

Her actions make no sense, Jade exclaims, frustrated and confused. Doesn't she realise she could die? Doesn't she realise what that would do to Rose? Doesn't she realise what that would do to them?

Her actions are distracting Rose, Labradorite points out. She has to break rhythm to scoop Pearl's gem up from the battlefield, and that leaves an opening for enemies to strike through.

Her actions don't make sense strategically, Carnelian says. She's senselessly taking a body off the battlefield. She knows Rose can take care of herself. It makes more strategic sense to stay formed for longer, do more damage, fight smart like someone with her build should.

Her actions are hurting Rose, Garnet tells her, bluntly. Rose cares about her, even if Pearl is too stubborn to comprehend it. So if Pearl cares about Rose as much as she says she does, she should stop. If she doesn't, she's just being selfish.

Pearl ignores them all.

Pearl cracks her gem the next battle, wakes up to Rose's warm tears and soft embrace. The embrace tightens around her once Rose realises she's alright, she's alive.

"Oh, Pearl," she says, into Pearl's hair. "I thought I'd lost you."

"I'm not that easy to get rid of," Pearl says, and feels her voice tremble.

"It's all my fault," Rose says. "If I'd been just a bit faster with my shield – if I hadn't left my back exposed – if I…"

No, no, no, that's not how it went. "I'm the one who jumped in front of that mace," Pearl says.

"But you wouldn't have if I hadn't left myself open."

"It's not your fault. I _chose_ to protect you."

"Pearl," Rose says, voice thick. "I almost lost you today. I don't know what I would have done if I actually had."

"I'm sorry," she says, and snuggles further into Rose's embrace. "I don't know what I would do if I lost you, either."

Rose's lips are on her gem, and Pearl takes a moment to relish in the sensation, in the intimacy of it. One hand goes to Rose's gem, to stroke the smooth surfaces and clean corners of it. The larger gem makes a purr of content, tucks her chin above Pearl's head, pulls her in tighter.

"You're alive," Rose whispers. "It was such a near thing."

"I'm sorry," Pearl says again, because she can't think of what else to say.

"No, don't apologise," Rose says, "I'm just happy you're alive," and she is crying, and Pearl is crying too, suddenly, and then they are kissing, and all Pearl can think is _Rose, Rose, Rose_.

Rose holds her tightly, as if she is unwilling to let her go, and Pearl basks in the feel of it, of being loved. Rose kisses her almost desperately, as if to reassure herself Pearl is still alive. Rose runs her thumb over Pearl's gem, as if checking for any chinks her healing tears might have missed, and the sensation makes Pearl shiver.

When they are like this, Pearl can almost make herself believe that she is valued. That she is worth something beyond what she can do for others. That Rose is right, and that she really will be missed if she is gone. That the best thing she can do for Rose is keep herself alive.

"Do you love me, Pearl?" Rose whispers.

"Of course." The answer is instinctual and obvious. Rose has done everything for Pearl; Rose is everything to Pearl.

"Then please, please, please, stop being a stubborn self-sacrificing idiot. Please. Pearl, I can't lose you for real."

When Pearl doesn't answer, Rose levers her chin up, makes Pearl look her in the eyes. Pearl flinches from the eye contact after a second, gazes instead at Rose's radiant cheeks, at her beautiful nose. She has never been good at reading faces, but now, like this, after Rose's reaction to her crack, she can almost believe in the other gem's sincerity.

"I'll try," she says, finally.

The smile that lights up Rose's face is one of the most wonderful things Pearl has ever seen. She thinks that maybe it is worth keeping her promise, just so that look can be directed at her more often.

Pearl makes it through the next battle in one piece, and the next one, but not the one after that.

"I'm trying," she tells Rose, when it looks like another argument is about to begin. "I really am, but it's hard."

Rose pulls her into a hug, and a part in the back of Pearl's mind wonders, yet again, at how physical contact is somehow enjoyable when it's with Rose.

"Oh, Pearl. Homeworld really did a number on you, didn't they?"

"A little," Pearl admits. It is easy enough, nowadays, after decades of Rose, to understand on a surface level that the way she views herself has no basis in fact. It is harder, of course, to make herself actually believe it, deep down. "I'm getting better, Rose, I really am, but…"

"Please don't die on me," Rose says, squeezing her tighter. "After the war, you and I can figure this out together."

Together. Pearl likes the sound of that.

She doesn't make it out of every battle, but she makes it out of the war.

* * *

 **This was written for Pearlrose Bomb 2015, and cross posted to AO3 and (hopefully) tumblr. Because apparently I'm shipping trash now. Younger me would be rolling in her grave.**

 **The title is (almost) from the Tennyson poem** _ **Charge of the Light Brigade**_ **, because the completely pointless self-sacrifice seemed fitting for Pearl.**


End file.
